One Mike Stand

                                      NECN “BIT” 

Martini’s, they seem to be everywhere now. Bars dedicated to the drink alone, full Martini menu’s and coffee table books. They seem to be a new trend and bars are cleaning charging as much as thirteen dollars a pop. Don’t get me wrong I have fell victim to the charm of a nice Martini. You feel a little older, hipper and chics dig it.  

However, I find that the traditional Martini’s are rarely ordered, now they come in every shape, size and color, and they have the weirdest names. Like a dirty blond, or a Star Fish. Which isn’t the easiest thing to order, and still hold on to your masculinity, “That’s a fun drink to order, ‘Yeah let me get an Apple Martini, four hundred shots of whisky…ah, for me.”  It seems now a days that bartenders can pour anything they want into a Martini glass and call it a Martini. “Here’s a dirty bar rag squeezed into your glass,…that will be thirteen dollars please.”I used to make a drink when I bartended, it was called “Go Home with the Chubby Bartender.” It wasn’t real popular. However I have a question, could they find a more difficult glass to put Martini’s in? But. I guess they really didn’t have a choice, (Act out)“Hey what do you want to put the Martini in?…Martini glass? (Pause)…Makes sense.” “Could you give me a drink that cost thirteen dollars, and then put it in a glass that spills more than the Exxon Valdese? Because that’s the drink for me.” The only way to make that drink any harder to carry would be if they poured it directly into your hands, And why not? That’s where most of it ends up anyway.You ever see someone trying to carry a Martini at a busy bar?  

They act like the bartender just handed them a bomb. (Act out) swallow lump in your throat. “I’m just going to drink this here.” I think James Bond is the only guy who can pull off looking cool when drinking a martini. We might think we look cool while drinking Martini’s, but we don’t. No matter how cool you think you’re when drinking a Martini, you’re not. 

It’s always the same thing; you’re sitting there with a girl trying to look sophisticated, “I’ll have dirty Martini, Vodka, straight up with three olives…Three Olives.”  Then you go and take that first sip, and it looks like the left side of your body has shut down. You know the look you give. (Act out, act like chocking it down, gag, make face, then act like you are really enjoying it.) 

“Oh that’s the stuff, I love these things, I get them all the time.” And it’s at this point that you’re happy that you spilled most of your drink trying to walk across the bar, and it’s then and there you realize why the Martini glass is shaped the way it is.

NECN“Having a Bartender who knows you…” 

            It’s been my experience that knowing people in the restaurant business is more expensive for you than not. This holds true to bartenders in particular. I mean there is the obvious perks to the relationship. Fast service, free drinks and good conversation. However there is a down side to the relationship as well.

            The biggest disadvantage is that you end up spending more money than you would have, by over tipping for all the free drinks. The other problem is that you end up drinking more than you intended. Which might not be a problem for most, however when I drive home I have to make my way right past the Brookline Police Station.

            And after having a few drinks, driving home becomes a big game of red rover red rover. “Red Rover, Red Rover pull Mike Dunphy right over.” 

            And visiting a Bartender you know goes from being a quick drink before your table is ready, to a half hour debauchery of booze. Whether it’s wine, beer or booze, you end up getting to your table three sheets to the wind.

            That’s right around the time the waitress comes over to take your drink order…”sweet.” You end up placing one hand over your eye so that you can see the wine list clearly…                        “I’ll have the red one.”            “Oh there’s nothing like a romantic dinner, when you are trying to fight off the spins.” 

            And that’s just about the time where your “buddy the Bartender” sends one last round of drinks to you and your date. You clumsily raise your glass towards what you think is the direction of the bar, and nod thank you.

                        Not realizing you have just “toasted the ladies bathroom.”

            “Having a bartender who knows you is like being in a bad relationship, you know that they are going to hurt you, yet you always go back to them.                        It’s not you it’s me. It’s what I’m going through right now, I can’t see straight and I’m nauseous. But it was nice running into your before I get pulled over for a DWI. I want to thank you for your involvement with that. It was nice to almost see you again.  Be sure to keep your phone on, I’ll need to make bail.  

            You end up ordering the meal not because you think that it is going to taste good, but rather one that you think is going to absorb the most alcohol as possible.

                                     ‘I’ll have four bread puddings…” 

            And when you’re drinking you tend to say really intelligent things. You ask clever questions of the waitress….’Is this bread free? Well keep em’ coming I got a long ride ahead, places to go people to hit.”\            and it’s by this time that the alcohol has fully set in. and you are really starting to enjoy your double date, although in reality it’s just you and her. “But, damn! If this free bread isn’t delicious!”           

            The bill finally comes and you notice that every drink you had ordered and heck even a bunch you didn’t order are all “Compt.”

And it’s then and there you realize that “hey lets go to this restaurant, I know the Bartender” has now turned into hey, I’m going to get arrested tonight!” 

And a simple dinner that would have cost you seventy dollars is now a hundred and forty dollars, with a “Hang Over!”

Which leads me to believe that I really have to rethink some of my friendships.

One Mike Stand

The phone rings and a voice from the other end asks me if I could write a piece on movies where food is the theme. The direction and concept of the task seem to be unclear, “an article on ‘food movies’ and why people in the ‘industry’ love them?”      “Food movies?” I think to myself. What classifies a movie as a “food movie?” The voice on the other end starts to pour fourth an amalgamation of movie titles, like: “The Joy Luck Club, and Babetts’ Feast.”          I cringe at the idea.  Estrogen and subtitles I think to myself. The voice continues:  “Big night, and Soul Food, “Better, getting better,” I think to myself. Girl on Top “I’m in.”   He continued to throw ideas at me, and some of the idea started to get me thinking about the truth in what he had said. Resturant people like watching shows, and movies about the cooking world. It somehow became cool to know about cooking.          I can’t tell you how many times people have said to me, when they find out I’m a chef. “You’re a chef? Oh my god you have to cook for me sometime.” Does that ever happen in any other profession? Like you’d ever into run into Mike Tyson and try that with him.  “Oh my god you’re a boxer, you’ll have to punch me in the head sometime.”         But it is true. people love cooking, and people love to act like they know something about cooking. They have to throw some little comment into the conversation   to let you know they know something about the trade.  “Yeah, made dinner for the wife and kids tonight. Spent most of my day blanching and shocking.”  Yeah, I get it you cook.          But what is it about watching the shows that makes us all feel apart of “it?” I still find myself watching shows and going, “huh, I didn’t know that.” And “I do that too sometimes.” There’s something about watching these movies and shows that makes us all feel part of a common knowledge. And just like anything in life some people know more than others. But the difference is that in cooking, there’s always a knowledge there that people have to instinctively know.  Eating. You can’t avoid it.” It just kind of happens.         And what is “It?” That thing that makes us think we can remodel our living into a 70’s lounge in an hour after watching trading spaces. The thing that makes us think we could kill Bobby Flay in a cooking contest (in Asia or the