Themes
There seems to be a “Theme” occurring amongst ‘theme’ related restaurants, ‘Foreclosure.’
Let’s be honest, the Hard rock café’s and the Planet Hollywood’s of years gone past have done just that…past.
“Oh look, there’s Jimmy Hendrix guitar pick. Pass me the ketchup.”
I’m sure the acid dropping guitar smashing Hendrix would be pumped to know that a vacationing family from Ohio is eating a $20 cheeseburger off a placemat with his face on it. “Excuse me while I dip these fries.” (How clever).
Hendrix would have been as excited as I was to eat fish and chips next to a wax sculpture of Bruce Willis at Planet Hollywood. I kid you not my waiter actually uttered the phrase “Yippee KyYe ‘bread and butter.’” After dropping off a basket of bread at my table. To which I could only respond: ‘Die Hard, Die Hard, and PLEASE DIE HARD!’
Here’s a ‘Theme’ for all the “Theme” restaurants: Stop Sucking!
I won’t lie it was cool in the nineties but then again so was Vanilla Ice and Michael Bolton, both about cheesy as the Nacho’s at the Hard Rock. Don’t get me wrong I want to love the ‘theme’ restaurants. I want to be wowed and entertained when my nagging kids (and equally nagging wife) get me to pull off the interstate for dinner.
“We’re on vacation!” Who gives a shit?!!! I’m still going to be paying way too much for way too little. “Oh look Steven Tyler’s spandex; I guess $16 for a turkey club is a fair price I mean after all Steven Tyler had his sweaty ass all up in those spandex.” Mmmm, Stevens’s sweaty spandex, hanging over my table while I eat turkey…
“Janie’s gonna puke.”
Here in lies the problem. It’s a “Theme.” Themes aren’t meant to be permanent fixtures. Themes should be held solely to Halloween parties, and school dances. Themes are only supposed to last for a night or so, and then die away…like a Rob Schneider film. So what is it then that has happened to us? We used to be a country in love with next the gimmick. Pet Rocks, Chia Heads, ‘Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.’
“Stallone, and steak tips!!! What will they think of next?”
From Fifties Dinners, to actor endorsed café’s Americans, would line up to be the first in a long line of doomed Themed driven restaurants. I was the first person in line when I heard that supper models were going to be opening a Theme restaurant. Claudia, Cindy and Naomi? They weigh thirty pounds combined, I’m sure they must know a ton about eating. I can’t believe I didn’t see that one coming.
“And for desert: ‘Bulimia.’”
Super models, super bomb.
“Super models owning a restaurant? I had this vision of a three page menu, with numerous combinations of dry salads and Pieri, and cigarettes. A place where even the wax manikins of the Cindy Crawford wouldn’t give me the time of day. Bitch.
So why then aren’t we falling on our old habits? Hagve we changed our “Theme” as Americans. Are we becoming smarter as a nation, (William Hung has debunked that theory). Has Atkins infiltrated this aspect of our diets as well? (The guy is dead) not the best endorsement for diet plan. I guess death really keeps the pounds off. Has the generation of past, allowed this present generation, (our generation) to kill the concept of the “Theme” restaurant? with our cynical view points on what is cool and what is hack gimmick? Will Planet Hard Rock be replaced with Planet Starbucks?
I’m still confused with that phenomenon. How did the city that gave us grundge create an elite class of coffee snobs that plague our street corners with their high price product and their trendy little cup? “No time to eat I’m all whacked out on caffeine.” With all this caffeine there will be no need to pull off the interstate to feed your family, you can drive for hours on one “Venti non-fat iced white chocolate mocha no whip.”
So the next time your kids start screaming from the back seat on that long vacation car ride: “Daddy, Daddy we’re hungry.” Just give them a double shot of espresso, it might not keep them quite (in fact I guarantee that it wont) but it will curve their hunger for $40 chicken fingers at the Theme restaurant of their choice.
So what’s the new trend, the new theme? Caffeine! Hey! It’s cheaper than Coke. Caffeine, caffeine caffeine. No one has ever got up at six am and drank two cups of cheeseburgers because “it helps them start their day.”
“Oh I’m just junk unless I have my chicken finger basket before work.”
Sorry Hard Rock.
The trend of the new generation is going to be convenience and stimulants. And if we can somehow combine the two in a cup for $6 bucks a pop, then by god we will do it. If we will have to take out a lay-away plan to get that cup of rocket fuel from a guy named Seth, with a funny little green apron and a bad attitude then so be it. Sign me up, Bruce who? If I’m going to Die Hard it’s going to be with a Carmel Macchiato in my hand.
“Here’s a Theme for you: ‘Heart Palpitations.’”